When You Feel You’re Just A Shadow of Yourself….
Let me start this blog by saying a few things upfront. I know many have suffered more and continue to suffer much more than I do. That pains me and saddens me. I know life is filled with surprises and changes, some welcome, some not so much. I full well know about resilience and perseverance. I also know these things take a lot out of ones soul each time they occur and you are expected to carry on.
The last 10 years of my life have been filled with many changes. Many losses. More so than the gains. That does not put a value system on any of them, good or bad.
A very quick synopsis that many of you may already know to chronologically put things in perspective. Over 10 years ago my Dad was diagnosed with mesothelioma. Basically an incurable lung cancer. For the next 14 months I watched my Dad whither and weaken both physically and emotionally. I would go to see him and my mom regularly at their home and usually sit and watch Jeopardy as my Mom answered many of the questions correctly. He would both marvel at this and also look at me and say “your mother’s a smart ass.” I smiled just typing out that line.
As he became weaker and the realization finally hit him that he might not be able to beat this, I remember some uncomfortable moments with him. Sometimes we would be watching a Met game or a Jet game together and my Mom would leave the room. There would be a silence and then he would say, ” you know I’m dying, can you believe I’m dying?” At first I locked up. Then I remember saying to him, ” Dad, we’re all dying. Every second that ticks by I’m closer to dying too.” It was all I had, I thought I was thinking fast on my feet in such an awkward situation. I guess what he meant was, he really wasn’t ready for it, nor wanted it yet. Some people reach that point. He was not there. My Dad always thought he could ultimately control things if you put enough of yourself into it.
One of his famous quotes to all of us if we said we couldn’t do something was……”there’s no such thing as can’t.” I guess, for him, not being able to defy this illness was something he couldn’t control and he couldn’t quite get his head around it to accept it.
From my perspective as the son, I knew the day would come. Parents are supposed to pass before their children in the natural order of things. However, I’m sure most of us would agree, it is still painful and traumatic when it ultimately happens.
That being said, I knew I had to move on. Dads pass away. It’s a reminder of your own mortality just in case you were thinking this goes on forever.
Now on top of that, several months into my Dads illness, my son was diagnosed with salivary gland cancer. I never had heard of it before, nor expected a 20 year old who never smoked a day in his life to be diagnosed with it. We kept it from my Dad and my son had a very significant operation, but fortunately escaped chemo or radiation. He was able to recover in time and graduate from college and my Dad was able to watch it remotely online at home.
During my son’s illness, for some strange reason, I never felt it was going to turn out bad. Maybe I was numb dealing with my Dad. I was shocked at myself for the calm I had in dealing with the fact that one of our babies had cancer. Again, I was able to move on and function just fine.
The next thing that was lurking in the wings was inevitably the toughest and most devastating.
Five months after my Dad passed away, between Christmas and New Years, we heard back from the doctor after my wife’s bloodwork that something didn’t look right. They recommended we see an oncologist. I remember the phone call. We were standing outside of a diner on Route 18 in NJ. The doctor returning the call with the news. Our hearts sank. When was this going to stop. My Dad, my son and now my wife and best friend. This had to be a bad joke. Catholic guilt swirled in my head. I had a life too good. I needed to know what it was like to suffer. I think my wife believed that more than I would allow myself to believe.
Shortening the story, as I prefer to not get into the details at this point, the next five years may as well been scripted in hell. The illness progressed and tore this poor woman apart slowly and steadily. I became lost and I became angry. Two things in which I was not terribly experienced in. I put it eventually in the hands of destiny. I suffered frustration, sadness and guilt to a degree I hope would happen to no one, but I know it does.
While again, I thought I could do something to fix the situation, something to make it better, I realized it was out of my hands. After numerous doctors, prolonged hospital stays and an unsuccessful bone marrow transplant, my wife lost her tortuous and brave battle to her illness.
After living through that experience, it was a therapeutic process of self healing that was quite involved and too much to get into here that helped me move forward. At least again I felt I was a bit more in control of my future and the direction my life was going. It was with a heavy heart, but I knew this was the best path for me to follow. Through travel and friends and the good fortune of meeting a wonderful woman, my life was once again bringing me some joy.
However, that didn’t last too long. In April of 2019, less than three years after my wife passing, I was told I was not being renewed at my job at WNBC-TV. After nearly 24 years I was out the door. Here we go again. Something else happening out of my control to a significant part of my life. My immediate thought was…..I’ve got this. After everything else I’ve been through I can bounce back from this. I was convinced it happened for a reason for me to change direction like all the other parts of my life.
I took time to think about some of the things I wanted to do outside of tv weather as the door was not exactly being knocked down with other suitors. To be honest, there were more women making themselves available once they knew I was single than any job offers. To be honest again, that would mean only one.
I took an online course or two, studied up on podcasts and designing websites. I began a blog (which you’re reading now) and still did some traveling and was coming up with various show ideas.
Then the latest thing came along that I had no control over. Five months after my last paycheck, the pandemic hit. The city shutdown. The world shutdown. My life shutdown. We all shutdown.
People who have kept their jobs through this pandemic are clueless to the strain of either trying to find work during this time or for those that have lost their jobs and are desperately clinging to supporting their families. Once again I want to clearly state my situation is by far not as tough and scary as it is for many others who are in far worse than mine. The frustration level however is similar.
So once again, I’m thrown into a situation that I have no control over. I can’t change the pandemic, fix it, make it go away. I have tried for the last 11 months to put a positive perspective on it, and many times I successfully accomplished this. However, lately I’m feeling very tired. Very frustrated. Very angry.
I know it’s not healthy, but it’s getting to a point where just remembering my former life is difficult. I really feel my life right now is nothing more than a shadow of my past life. I am just a shadow of the career I had. A shadow of a husband, a shadow of a son to a degree,(thankfully I still have my Mom) even a shadow of a Dad as my kids are adults now.
So as I sit here at my laptop finishing up this blog, I feel a bit empty. I know someday I will change those shadows into new parts of the real me. What that is, I’m still not sure. The world under the influence of the pandemic is not a great place, but I don’t see that changing dramatically any time soon.
In closing, I again find myself pushed down by something I can’t control. We all can only mange to look for the positive and prepare for the return of some normalcy to life again. At least I have a fair amount of experience on my resume. Hey, maybe that’s my new real me definition, Survivor! Just like all of you reading this. Thanks for listening. I hope it makes many of you realize you are NOT alone in what you feel. Stay strong. Stay safe. Stay well.
Sunshine Always!!!!