Fallen Idol or Healing Man

I would say this blog, compared to my others, is more of a diary entry as opposed to a thought out post with pictures and video.

Most of us in the process of growing up end up idolizing or at least fantasizing what it would be like to be someone other than ourselves. It could be a rock star or musician we admire. Perhaps a huge movie or TV star. Often as a young boy growing up, it can be a professional athlete.

As I continue my journey through this next stage of my life, I often discover that much of what I thought to be true, isn’t. Or at least things aren’t quite what I thought they were.

In my quest to be painfully honest in a fairly public way through this blog, I have to say I’ve certainly had some mood swings in these first four months of being unemployed. There have been good days, but also some bad ones. Days where you begin to think, this is it. Nothing is going to happen on the job front, my life as I knew it, is over. Changing careers at this age is tough and maybe unrealistic. Will I end up going through the money I have saved? What about healthcare now without an employer? So many things start to play on your ego and in your head as you lay in bed hoping sleep takes you before your next uncomfortable thought comes crawling into your stream of thought as you lay silent.

Bottom line is, I’m very fortunate and blessed to have had the career I had and made the money I did. It’s more than many, but also much less than what some of you probably think.

So where am I going with this?! Well I was recently invited as a guest to come to a fund raising event for The Cristian Rivera Foundation. My former co-worker, but more importantly present and hopefully lifetime friend, Darlene Rodriguez invited me and my girlfriend Edmi to this beautiful black-tie affair. The foundation is doing amazing work funding research for this rare but deadly PG brain tumor that takes the lives of beautiful young people before they’ve had a chance. They are making great strides, but still have a long way to go.

For the last week or so I was finding depression settling in on me. I wasn’t sleeping well. Wasn’t inspired to do anything in moving forward. I was getting frustrated with nothing happening and I was getting that feeling of, who cares, so why should I. I know the feeling, as I’ve been through it before for different issues I had to deal with in my life.

So as the night for the event approached I was not in a very good place. The last thing I wanted to do was go to an event with hundreds of people and attempt to be happy and smiling and deal with questions of what happened? How come you’re not on NBC anymore? Or the very sweet, “Chris, we miss you in the morning”. All well intended, but I would have been content to just stay under my rock back home.

The other thing I know about these moods, is that the only way to eventually get out of them, is to just keep moving. Keep doing things you would normally do, even though you don’t feel like it and you’re not feeling anything inside from doing them. Eventually something happens. The darkness lifts, your perspective changes, and you feel stupid for even feeling so low.

One thing about depression. It doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor, famous or struggling, talented or beautiful. It can still find you.

So off I went and pushed myself to the event. When we arrived at the Capitale in the Bowery, the place was beautiful. After picking on some appetizers and a glass of wine I started to feel a bit better. I had a couple of people come up to me and offer their support and telling me how they missed my presence on WNBC.

After a little more small talk I noticed this large figure across the room. I knew the face, but wasn’t quite sure it was who I thought, as I would not expect this person to be there. But I turned to my girlfriend and I said, “I think that’s Dwight Gooden”. Well I could have said, I think that’s George Theodore (only Met fans will get that joke) based on her lack of a reaction. She had no clue. To her defense, she was about 14 or 15 years old living in Puerto Rico at the time of Docs peak years as a New York Met.

Something about the sight of Dwight Gooden in person resonated with me. Not because he was at one time a guaranteed Hall of Famer. Not because he was the greatest pitcher I had ever seen, not just in a Met uniform. Not because he was part of the last Mets World Championship some 33 years ago.

It was the realization that this was the guy who accomplished all of those things, but this was also the man who fell from grace way too early in his career. Some might say a self destructive path of drugs and other not so pleasant issues that he could have controlled.

I wanted to approach him then, but needed to verfiy it was him before I made a total fool of myself. In the interim, Darlene arrived and it was great to see my TV wife again. To be honest she was and still is like a sister to me. I asked her if Dwight Gooden was there. She said yes, that he had done some work with the foundation. That was my final confirmation.

So I kept staring across the room as he sat at the table with his guests. I was going to walk over and say hi and hopefully get a picture, but I am so uncomfortable doing that. Darlene being Darlene just grabbed me and said “let’s go, you do want a picture, right?” So like a little kid she took me over to meet Dwight “Doc” Gooden.

I introduced myself and told him I had been a Met fan since 1968. He went from a very sullen serious face to this big bright smile that just lit up. As he was shaking my hand he looked into my eyes and said “you have a great energy”. Wow. I might have thought that a bit strange but I realized that from the point I first recognized him in the evening, all of my energy about my own negative situation was lifting off of me. I started to try and comprehend how this immensely talented pitcher who could have had everything, who had the city in the palm of his hands, lost it all.

I’m not here to get into a Dwight Gooden biography but I believe I saw Doc on that night because I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself. I needed to snap out of it and appreciate what I have and understand as long as we are here on this planet, opportunity and great possibilities still exist. Gooden had been on the top of the mountain but had fallen hard and more than once. He’s currently fighting his demons again, but he’s still standing and he’s going to fundraising events and pushing forward in a positive direction.

I closed my brief encounter with telling him how I went to a game with my Mom and Dad in 1984, and whenever he pitched, Shea stadium became electrified. My Dad, who was not typically very demonstrative got into doing the wave that game. It was perhaps the most fun I ever saw my father have at a game. It’s one of those images I have engrained in my mind. Precious and funny forever.

We took a couple of pictures and he shook my hand again and repeated that he liked my energy. I think it made him feel good to meet someone who could bring him back to a time when he made people happy with his skills.

However, in a strange way, I’m glad I met Doc Gooden now. He’s been through a lot, but I have a feeling I met a much more genuine man last night. A scarred and real person who’s still fighting. I walked away thinking, if he can keep going and trying to become a better person then my current situation is nothing but a minor speed bump in life.

Go get ’em Doc and take care of yourself.

Sunshine Always!!!