“Some Things Cannot Be Fixed They Can Only Be Carried”……Megan Devine

This blog was triggered by something that happened a few months ago on my Facebook page. I really didn’t want to get into it any deeper as it is quite personal. However, I’ve found that by being honest in my mistakes, insecurities and willingness to understand and forgive, I’ve managed to help some others along the way.

I certainly never planned on or thought about being a widower at 55. I was in a relationship with someone for 40 years, dating straight out of grammar school. I truly was living out a beautiful storybook life for the first 30 plus years. Married for nearly 32 years, the longest thing I’ve ever done in my life, including my career.

At around 50 years old, I hit a re-evaluation point in my life. The kids were growing up and becoming more psuedo-independent. Suddenly the spot light of life was shifting off of the kids and onto my marriage and me. You look at who you have become in a way you haven’t for many years. You start to see who you really are after all of these years together. Who has changed….who has not…..where is this going? It’s a tough re-evaluation. Many couples tend to cover their eyes and stick their fingers in their ears and pretend it’s not happening. Others have been blessed with no doubts or questions or challenges. I must confess from my knowledge, those are extremely few and far between.

I say this, because some people who know my whole story, but really don’t know me, might interpret this differently. I’m not perfect….my wife was not perfect. We are all flawed human beings in different ways. I believe we all need to get more comfortable in this concept and start taking responsibility and ownership of who we are and what we do. I’ve been coddled and attacked, all for the same things. That should say something about understanding human behavior and reaction or just add to the confusion.

My son once said to me “if you are around anyone long enough, expect to be disappointed by them at some point”. At first I thought this was a terribly sad and negative perspective to have on people. Then I realized the simple truth and honesty in it. The disappointment often doesn’t come from someone else, but from you. We all set expectations in people and various relationships. If we get disappointed, I guess the fault really lies with us.

I prefaced the real point of this blog with these things to perhaps clear my conscience from dealing with anyone challenging my present condition in life. I referred to a Facebook post awhile ago. I had posted one of my cooking videos with my girlfriend. As has been thankfully the case, most people are always so positive and loving in their remarks to me. I can’t tell you how much that means to me when you say you are so happy to see ME happy. It still blows me away that any of you would care either way about the has been TV weather guy from NBC.

In any event, on this one particular post, after someone said something about them feeling happy to see me smiling and doing so well, another person posted, “too soon if you ask me”. First of all we didn’t ask. Secondly you are entitled to your opinion. When I confronted her by saying she didn’t know who I was or my situation that brought me here, she replied with ” I can’t imagine what your children think”. Well needless to say that statement caused me to drop the gloves…..game on. Do NOT bring my children into this personal manner in which you know nothing. She had no clue of my relationship with my kids or their mothers relationship as well. Yet she was quick to judge. To the many others that followed with supportive comments I thank you. The onslaught clearly became too much for this person and they soon deleted their comment.

I did some research and discovered that this person had lost her husband not that long ago. My heart goes out to her for her loss. Nobody but her knows her pain or how she wants to move forward with her life. The thing that upsets me obviously is that she transposed her pain onto me, by judging my actions. It’s not the first time I’ve been the recipient of this type of behavior. Then she put herself into the position of my children, something else she knew nothing about.

All of this being said, while I digested this, and tried to understand this person was coming from a position of their own personal pain, I would not be honest if I didn’t say it hurt me.

This brings me to the title of this blog. “Some Things Cannot Be Fixed They Can Only Be Carried”. This is what losing someone who was such a large part of your life feels like. The quote comes from Megan Devine, the author of a wonderful book titled : It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand.

I absolutely love the simple brilliance in the above statement about loss and grieving.

I found it much more difficult to find groups supporting men compared to the many that supported widows. I’m sure there is a numbers game to that statistic, but it’s also because men prefer not to publicly grieve or suffer. They would rather tough it out and come out on the other side as quick as possible.

This may be one of the reasons men tend to get back into a relationship and remarry much more than women after the loss of a spouse. While most men don’t like to admit it, we are quite the needy group of people. Perhaps for women who tend to be natural nurturers they take matters into their own hands and work with healing themselves from the pain of the loss. Men tend to seek a replacement in that space sooner than later.

This is not to say getting into another relationship isn’t something chock full of other issues and problems. I’m a very fortunate guy to be where I am today. On any given day I still feel the pain of losing my wife like it just happened.

It often comes out of the blue or gets triggered by something sentimental to our relationship. Tears and heartache can still come flooding back today and I assume will continue to do so, although with less frequency as life goes on. I let it happen and don’t fight it.

It took some therapy to get to that point, but I was taught you need to sit and be with your pain or your troubles for a bit. Then you reset, and hit the resume button. If you ignore those emotions, guaranteed it will come back and bite you in the you know where.

In closing, I just want to say, that happy face you see in our cooking videos as well as other posts, is genuine. That does NOT mean however that the pain or emptiness in my heart from the loss of my wife and mother of my children has been fixed. It DOES mean I have learned or am learning how to go forward carrying them. How to embrace the helping hands and support.

I will end it there, but will probably be putting out a blog soon about how to get back into the dating game and then into a relationship with someone new. That unto itself is a whole other story.

Don’t be afraid of yourself or what you’re feeling. These are the things that teach us and enable us to continue to grow.

Sunshine Always!!!