The Sound of Silence Speaks Volumes

When I was married I would often observe other couples out dining and their interaction with each other during the meal. Were they on a date? Celebrating something together? Maybe just getting away from the kids for a quiet peaceful dinner. Whatever the reason, it was really none of my business.

However, one thing I would occasionally observe would be the couple that seemingly didn’t speak or converse with each other at all. They looked at the menu. Looked around the restaurant avoiding each others gaze. Not a lip moved unless to smack them together as they partook in their food looking quite content. But to my voyeuristic curiosity they never spoke a word to each other.

Now I may tend to be on the chatty side sometimes, but I take my pauses too. The key word, pauses. These people seemed to be locked into their own separate world while doing something I considered a mutually shared and interactive experience, having a meal together.

My wife and I were never at a loss for words between us. I never really thought about it until I started observing this behavior of silence at restaurants more often in others. For us, this steady flow of conversation existed not only when dining out, but in the car on long or short drives, at the kitchen table, or even in the bedroom.

For me silence was awkward. When it descended upon me it usually meant one thing. I was in trouble with a particular person who wasn’t too happy with me. That technique was sometimes used by my wife and it would drive me mad. Very effective on someone like me, as I would then just give in, no matter what the battle.

Or perhaps the uneasiness of silence came from 35 years of broadcasting on radio and television. That fear of dead air always puts a knot in my stomach.

Fast forward a few years to today and sadly as many of you might know I lost my wife to cancer. As I picked up my life I decided to begin dating again for the first time in 40 years. Yes, 40 years, as I dated my wife out of 8th grade.

I ended up reconnecting with someone that I occasionally worked with several years earlier. The plan was to just catch up as friends over a sushi lunch. She had been traveling quite a bit around the world and I was just beginning to do so.

Perhaps her version of the story might be slightly different, but we enjoyed our lunch catching up on each others lives. I felt the conversation flow was mutual and I enjoyed listening to her tell stories of journeys to Thailand, India and Egypt to name a few. Of course she might tell you I dominated the conversation with tales of my own journey of the past few years.

The point is, we continued to see each other and became closer and closer, realizing we had something special in this relationship. My intent here is not so much to talk about the relationship and how it developed. That might be for a future blog.

What I started to notice as we spent more time together is that the flow of conversation began to become unbalanced. Chatty Chris was finding himself doing most of the talking on many occasions.

I started to wonder, has she already run out of things to talk about? What about work? Friends? Her cat? Her laundry? Please!! Anything!!! Just talk to me!

One particular day we were on a long drive and I decided I wasn’t going to speak unless spoken to. I figured she would get the hint and start talking. As we are driving along I go about 5 minutes saying nothing. I’m changing the music on the radio in the car to see if that spurs anything. Nope. Nada. Nothing.

I let another 5 minutes go by, although it was probably less, as at this point the silence seemed like an eternity to me. Finally I turned to her and said “are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?” She turned and looked at me with a soft smile and said, ” no…..why?” I said, “well you haven’t said a word in 10 minutes. Are you bored with me?” I don’t remember her exact response to that but I think she found my reaction to silence rather silly and defensive.

As time has gone by our relationship approaches the two year mark, there are still moments of silence that I find awkward. I’ve grown to not take those silent canyons of time personally. In fact, I might have even allowed myself a moment to enjoy them. It is nice sometimes to be reflective without having to verbalize every thought going through my busy head.

She told me silence is a way of letting your other senses have a chance to enjoy and soak up the surroundings or experience you are having at that moment. It’s OK to not have to say something you’re seeing is beautiful, or this food in my mouth is delicious and comforting.

Silence isn’t necessarily what we think it is. What we see and feel and taste doesn’t make a sound unless we verbalize our feelings. Just because you are with another person during these experiences doesn’t mean it’s required to talk about it at that very moment.

So to those silent couples in the restaurant I apologize for judging. Maybe in your silence you enjoyed your meals better than I did. Maybe you felt the ambiance of the restaurant more than me. Maybe silence does speak volumes.

As I continue my journey to find comfort and deprogram myself from the fear and anxiety of silence when with my lady, I will say I’ve made some progress in baby steps. I’ve even gone maybe three or four continuous bites at restaurant without speaking before I have to blurt out, “can you pass the pepper please?” Which of course is only about three inches from my hand.

Well…….I’m a work in progress, but we don’t have to talk about it.